FamilyLab Australia/New Zealand
The new paradigm of parenting and education.
DryBib has entered into an exciting relationship with FamilyLab ANZ. A parenting organisation that believes there are better ways of raising and educating
children than using authoritarian force or democratic tricks. Instead,
FamilyLab embraces relationships based on:
FamilyLab operate as a "laboratory" where professionals, educators, parents, youth and children work together to find new ways to transform emotional love and commitment into loving behaviour. FamilyLab is therefore a constantly evolving organisation always focussed on the relationships between people. FamilyLab does not believe in methods or techniques, as they never fit but always force parents and educators to adapt ways which do not come naturally to them.
For more information about FamilyLab visit: www.familylab.com.au
- Equal dignity
- Authenticity
- Integrity
- Self-responsibility
FamilyLab operate as a "laboratory" where professionals, educators, parents, youth and children work together to find new ways to transform emotional love and commitment into loving behaviour. FamilyLab is therefore a constantly evolving organisation always focussed on the relationships between people. FamilyLab does not believe in methods or techniques, as they never fit but always force parents and educators to adapt ways which do not come naturally to them.
For more information about FamilyLab visit: www.familylab.com.au
On a regular basis we will share research and articles by FamilyLab. Here is one about food - very relevant to DryBib, BandanaBib and MessyBib.
Smile - dinner is ready!
The food we eat is obviously important because of its nutritional content. As long as we eat it, it does not really matter how, with who or under which circumstances. We need it to live.
But there is more to it. Food also has an important psychological importance. The shared meal can be an important psychological and emotional event within the family.
It can be a positive event when the food is made from good ingredients and with love. Everyone feels appreciated and is therefore able to appreciate the food. It can be a negative event when the ingredients are randomly bought and the food made by someone who would rather not cook and feels it like a chore, which has to be over and done with as quickly as possible.
Subconsciously, children will often use a meal as the means of announcing how they are thriving. Their appetite changes more than usual no matter what is for dinner. Very often their comments are really about the psychological nourishment the family is currently offering.
In this way, the shared meal a concrete demonstration of how the individual is feeling and how the family as a whole is thriving. If either is in chaos there will be chaos around the table. If there are hidden conflicts between two of the family members these will either become open conflicts or lay a depressed mood around the table.
Therefore, it is a good idea not to spend much effort on criticising, scolding and correcting anyone. "Eat properly!", "We have to enjoy ourselves now!" and similar comments are fruitless. It is much more constructive to observe, learn and prevent.
A family is never either right or wrong. A family is just the way it is - right here and right now. It is a living organism, which is sometimes calm and sometimes in conflict. It never helps to criticise or condemn. The more people feel they are wrong, the less they are able to do the right things - such as speak well, eat well, behave properly, etc.
The shared meal provides a unique opportunity to measure the temperature of the family and its members. If a family member or perhaps the whole family has a psychological "fever" it is not possible to cure anyone by telling them: "Be healthy!"
Dad in the kitchen?
Unfortunately, the gender role debate during the past 30 years has reduced cleaning, laundry and cooking to practical tasks. This is unfortunate because one of the most important aspects of these activities is that they create an "atmosphere". Many home-working housewives have rightly felt reduced to cleaning ladies or cooks. Often both adults work outside the home and children are therefore at an institution. This does make it difficult to create an atmosphere in the home.
It is important that these so-called practical tasks regain their recognition as atmosphere creating activities. Shopping and cooking are some of the key atmosphere creators.
Women are often more focussed on the atmosphere than men are. At times men get into situations where their contributions are on the shallow side. They will then lose the feeling of being valuable contributors to the family. It is not about ticking a list of duties or about an equal split of the tasks. Many people complete plenty of tasks without actually contributing to the atmosphere. It is more about how we carry them out. I would therefore like to suggest men become those primarily responsible for shopping and cooking. This is a unique opportunity to make a key contribution to the family atmosphere and its well-being, and thus to their own well-being. Why is this so?
What happens then if you do not like shopping or cooking? Well... do it anyway, and try doing it with the above in mind. Try to see the meaningfulness of responsibility instead of seeing a stressful duty. Cooking is one of the most effective "stress releasers" when done with love and care.
What happens then if the others are not helping at all? It would be good if they did but do not assign fixed duties. The more you enjoy being in the kitchen, the more it becomes a magnet, which others will feel attracted to. The assistance will come if you can create the atmosphere.
What happens if we both work and arrive home late? This is a difficult argument but consider what you want to do with the time you save by getting take-away, using the microwave, etc. You may come to the conclusion that your time is better spent creating good food and good atmosphere.
The children do not care - do they? They do! They might not line up wanting to praise you. Nevertheless, you will be giving them something highly valuable. They will appreciate it when their time comes. Give it a go! Give yourself 12 months and you will end up agreeing with the man who wrote the book "Women out of the kitchen!”
Myth about children and food.
Food and sharing a meal is very important to us. Perhaps this is why it is also one of the areas where we find many old prejudices and outdated rules. Some are so old and so meaningless that a thorough cleanup is well overdue. Experience has taught us that this is a very sensitive area for many parents. Therefore, I would like to ask you two things:
1: Why it is so challenging to change these traditions?
2: How many conflicts do these old standards and regulations lead to? If they do not lead to conflict there is no real reason to change anything. If they do, it might be worth some considerations.
Let us look at some of the most common statements: "You must eat up!" The responsibility for our own appetite and digestion is one of the things that is taken away from at a very young age. Why is that? Well-nourished children are considered to be healthy children - who therefore must have good parents. There is no limit to our imagination when our children are not hungry or not as hungry as we would like them to be. We are ready to try anything from: “Come on darling... just a little bite more!” to “Brooom... look now comes the airplane... HAPS!”
Later this changes to: “Eat up... otherwise you will never grow big and strong!”, “You have to eat up, or...!”, “You were the one who served up, so just get started!” or “No dessert for you until you have eaten what’s on your plate!”
No wonder so many of us are overweight. Children probably protest when forced to eat but they end up pleasing their parents and their need to feel like successful parents. Ultimately, the children’s integrity is violated and they learn to be hungry when it is time to eat, they learn to eat well, eat up and eat things they do not like or maybe even make them feel sick. Just so that the parents can enjoy their success as parents without realising how dearly the children will be paying for it later on. Some parents use “finance” as the argument: “It is too expensive to throw away food!” Yes, this is true but it can so easily be prevented. If you serve your child’s food, then serve them only about half of what you think they can eat. When they begin to serve themselves, guide them gently and be aware that it takes some years to learn. It is with food as with so many other things: the less the adults interfere, the sooner the child learns to do the right thing.
Some will say: “This might be true, but what happens when they eat out? They will be frowned upon if they don’t eat up!” The answer is very simple: Children can easily handle two different realities - one domestic and one social. The more we can give them a feeling of being all right the way they are, the more confidence they get and the better they "behave" when they are out. This also works the other way: The more we criticise them at home, the more inappropriately they will behave when they are with strangers.
Children's appetites fluctuate as much and as frequently as our appetites do - and perhaps even more. Your child might sit and only nibble at whatever you serve for dinner. Then they might howl down two big bowls of corn flakes later that night. Try not to take I personally - it is not meant as a comment about your cooking. The alternative is not good: “You have to eat what is on the table! You don’t live in a hotel!” It is tempting but have you ever wondered why many of us treat our own families worse than we do our friends?
When we have good friends over for dinner we think about what they like and what they might not like. We try hard to make them feel comfortable in our home. Within the family, however, it is almost a cause for divorce if one of the adults changes eating habits and becomes a vegetarian.
Children have a well developed sense of what is good for them at different stages as they grow. We mistakenly think that they would like to eat corn flakes eight times a day for years on end if they were allowed. It is true that children might eat only a few things for a period of time but if they are not criticised for doing it these periods will rarely last for more than a few days. No child has ever been permanent damaged - neither in their body or soul - from eating corn flakes, bananas, spaghetti or honey sandwiches for a month or two. As parents, we do not need to do much about it. We are in control of what we buy and put into the pantry. Use your energy on cooking food, which is varied, taste well and looks nice.
Final comments.
It is with food, as with so many other things in the family, there is no need for parents to go through too much trouble to constantly try to "educate" their children. It is far more effective - and more peaceful - if you quietly set a good example and focus on your own behaviour and thereby create a good atmosphere. Remember, a good atmosphere also leaves room for meaningful conflicts. There is no point in saying or demanding: "This is the time we must to enjoy ourselves!" If you yourself eat "nicely", eat healthy and varied food, appreciate the chef's efforts and like to be with your family - then the children will most likely do the same.
Of course, every now and then your children must experiment:
- They must try what it is like to eat in front of the television.
- They must try to survive on corn flakes, chips and/or burgers, etc.
- They must try to eat very very slowly, just like they must try out to howl it all down in no time at all.
Relax! Enjoy the food, each other and your children! There is not better way of educating them.
It is possible to do the exact opposite and to spend as little time, as little money and as little effort as possible. Personally, I do not like this and I can only remind you that you shall reap as you sow. If you invest as little as possible you can expect to reap plenty of conflicts, chaos and bad eating habits.
Today's parents should not expect that neither governments nor employers ensure that they are given time to love, sleep, eat and play. This is your responsibility and without it the family will lose much of its purpose.
But there is more to it. Food also has an important psychological importance. The shared meal can be an important psychological and emotional event within the family.
- We know this from the romantic and intimate dinner, where everything is well planned, well prepared and well cooked. It is an almost erotic foreplay. It has an important psychological impact and can never be achieved by serving take-away pizza or pie heated in the microwave.
- We also know the psychological importance of food from the fear we experience when our baby does not eat. The uncertainties are very stressful. Are we good enough parents? What would a nurse or a doctor say - or he mother in law?
- We know it when the older children become ill. If they would just eat a little bit, we would immediately feel less helpless - because then we are able to do something.
- We know it when the children leave home or when we are alone. It suddenly is not so meaningful to cook. When having prepared a family meal you are automatically vulnerable to criticism of it. There is an intense feeling that a family is not a real family if we are not all eating the same thing.
- We also know the downside. We know that some children do not receive the necessary psychological nourishment within the family. They might either stop eating all together or begin to stuff themselves. We also know that carelessness with food often develops an indifference to other areas, which are important to the atmosphere of a family. Or how someone’s “food snubbing” can become intolerable because it really is a publicity stunt.
It can be a positive event when the food is made from good ingredients and with love. Everyone feels appreciated and is therefore able to appreciate the food. It can be a negative event when the ingredients are randomly bought and the food made by someone who would rather not cook and feels it like a chore, which has to be over and done with as quickly as possible.
Subconsciously, children will often use a meal as the means of announcing how they are thriving. Their appetite changes more than usual no matter what is for dinner. Very often their comments are really about the psychological nourishment the family is currently offering.
In this way, the shared meal a concrete demonstration of how the individual is feeling and how the family as a whole is thriving. If either is in chaos there will be chaos around the table. If there are hidden conflicts between two of the family members these will either become open conflicts or lay a depressed mood around the table.
Therefore, it is a good idea not to spend much effort on criticising, scolding and correcting anyone. "Eat properly!", "We have to enjoy ourselves now!" and similar comments are fruitless. It is much more constructive to observe, learn and prevent.
- Who has not eaten much the last few days? How are they going? Do they feel there is some friction between the adults who really need to talk? Do they feel neglected compared to the older brother or sister?
- Who is constantly negative and creating conflicts? How might they feel at the moment? Are they just ringing alarm bells signalling that there are conflicts, which they hope someone will take responsibility for?
A family is never either right or wrong. A family is just the way it is - right here and right now. It is a living organism, which is sometimes calm and sometimes in conflict. It never helps to criticise or condemn. The more people feel they are wrong, the less they are able to do the right things - such as speak well, eat well, behave properly, etc.
The shared meal provides a unique opportunity to measure the temperature of the family and its members. If a family member or perhaps the whole family has a psychological "fever" it is not possible to cure anyone by telling them: "Be healthy!"
Dad in the kitchen?
Unfortunately, the gender role debate during the past 30 years has reduced cleaning, laundry and cooking to practical tasks. This is unfortunate because one of the most important aspects of these activities is that they create an "atmosphere". Many home-working housewives have rightly felt reduced to cleaning ladies or cooks. Often both adults work outside the home and children are therefore at an institution. This does make it difficult to create an atmosphere in the home.
It is important that these so-called practical tasks regain their recognition as atmosphere creating activities. Shopping and cooking are some of the key atmosphere creators.
Women are often more focussed on the atmosphere than men are. At times men get into situations where their contributions are on the shallow side. They will then lose the feeling of being valuable contributors to the family. It is not about ticking a list of duties or about an equal split of the tasks. Many people complete plenty of tasks without actually contributing to the atmosphere. It is more about how we carry them out. I would therefore like to suggest men become those primarily responsible for shopping and cooking. This is a unique opportunity to make a key contribution to the family atmosphere and its well-being, and thus to their own well-being. Why is this so?
- Because the kitchen is the "heart" of the home. It is also the "control room". It is here you will be able to get in contact with every family member while completing a meaningful function.
- Because it is a very practical, action-oriented (masculine) way to give the family something nutritious and useful. It is an almost stereotypical masculine way to deliver a typically feminine contribution.
- Because it is a way of practising how to assume responsibility for the community. Something that many men find it difficult.
- Because it is a very convenient way of forcing men to ask themselves some very important questions: What does each person need right now? How can I give them what they need in a way that is as creative as possible? How can I combine each individual’s tastes and needs of a shared meal? These are general questions and considerations, which are important - even in regards to other aspects of family life.
- Because it is exciting, important, difficult and a commitment, which is impossible to run away from. Just like most other aspects of family life.
What happens then if you do not like shopping or cooking? Well... do it anyway, and try doing it with the above in mind. Try to see the meaningfulness of responsibility instead of seeing a stressful duty. Cooking is one of the most effective "stress releasers" when done with love and care.
What happens then if the others are not helping at all? It would be good if they did but do not assign fixed duties. The more you enjoy being in the kitchen, the more it becomes a magnet, which others will feel attracted to. The assistance will come if you can create the atmosphere.
What happens if we both work and arrive home late? This is a difficult argument but consider what you want to do with the time you save by getting take-away, using the microwave, etc. You may come to the conclusion that your time is better spent creating good food and good atmosphere.
The children do not care - do they? They do! They might not line up wanting to praise you. Nevertheless, you will be giving them something highly valuable. They will appreciate it when their time comes. Give it a go! Give yourself 12 months and you will end up agreeing with the man who wrote the book "Women out of the kitchen!”
Myth about children and food.
Food and sharing a meal is very important to us. Perhaps this is why it is also one of the areas where we find many old prejudices and outdated rules. Some are so old and so meaningless that a thorough cleanup is well overdue. Experience has taught us that this is a very sensitive area for many parents. Therefore, I would like to ask you two things:
1: Why it is so challenging to change these traditions?
2: How many conflicts do these old standards and regulations lead to? If they do not lead to conflict there is no real reason to change anything. If they do, it might be worth some considerations.
Let us look at some of the most common statements: "You must eat up!" The responsibility for our own appetite and digestion is one of the things that is taken away from at a very young age. Why is that? Well-nourished children are considered to be healthy children - who therefore must have good parents. There is no limit to our imagination when our children are not hungry or not as hungry as we would like them to be. We are ready to try anything from: “Come on darling... just a little bite more!” to “Brooom... look now comes the airplane... HAPS!”
Later this changes to: “Eat up... otherwise you will never grow big and strong!”, “You have to eat up, or...!”, “You were the one who served up, so just get started!” or “No dessert for you until you have eaten what’s on your plate!”
No wonder so many of us are overweight. Children probably protest when forced to eat but they end up pleasing their parents and their need to feel like successful parents. Ultimately, the children’s integrity is violated and they learn to be hungry when it is time to eat, they learn to eat well, eat up and eat things they do not like or maybe even make them feel sick. Just so that the parents can enjoy their success as parents without realising how dearly the children will be paying for it later on. Some parents use “finance” as the argument: “It is too expensive to throw away food!” Yes, this is true but it can so easily be prevented. If you serve your child’s food, then serve them only about half of what you think they can eat. When they begin to serve themselves, guide them gently and be aware that it takes some years to learn. It is with food as with so many other things: the less the adults interfere, the sooner the child learns to do the right thing.
Some will say: “This might be true, but what happens when they eat out? They will be frowned upon if they don’t eat up!” The answer is very simple: Children can easily handle two different realities - one domestic and one social. The more we can give them a feeling of being all right the way they are, the more confidence they get and the better they "behave" when they are out. This also works the other way: The more we criticise them at home, the more inappropriately they will behave when they are with strangers.
Children's appetites fluctuate as much and as frequently as our appetites do - and perhaps even more. Your child might sit and only nibble at whatever you serve for dinner. Then they might howl down two big bowls of corn flakes later that night. Try not to take I personally - it is not meant as a comment about your cooking. The alternative is not good: “You have to eat what is on the table! You don’t live in a hotel!” It is tempting but have you ever wondered why many of us treat our own families worse than we do our friends?
When we have good friends over for dinner we think about what they like and what they might not like. We try hard to make them feel comfortable in our home. Within the family, however, it is almost a cause for divorce if one of the adults changes eating habits and becomes a vegetarian.
Children have a well developed sense of what is good for them at different stages as they grow. We mistakenly think that they would like to eat corn flakes eight times a day for years on end if they were allowed. It is true that children might eat only a few things for a period of time but if they are not criticised for doing it these periods will rarely last for more than a few days. No child has ever been permanent damaged - neither in their body or soul - from eating corn flakes, bananas, spaghetti or honey sandwiches for a month or two. As parents, we do not need to do much about it. We are in control of what we buy and put into the pantry. Use your energy on cooking food, which is varied, taste well and looks nice.
Final comments.
It is with food, as with so many other things in the family, there is no need for parents to go through too much trouble to constantly try to "educate" their children. It is far more effective - and more peaceful - if you quietly set a good example and focus on your own behaviour and thereby create a good atmosphere. Remember, a good atmosphere also leaves room for meaningful conflicts. There is no point in saying or demanding: "This is the time we must to enjoy ourselves!" If you yourself eat "nicely", eat healthy and varied food, appreciate the chef's efforts and like to be with your family - then the children will most likely do the same.
Of course, every now and then your children must experiment:
- They must try what it is like to eat in front of the television.
- They must try to survive on corn flakes, chips and/or burgers, etc.
- They must try to eat very very slowly, just like they must try out to howl it all down in no time at all.
Relax! Enjoy the food, each other and your children! There is not better way of educating them.
It is possible to do the exact opposite and to spend as little time, as little money and as little effort as possible. Personally, I do not like this and I can only remind you that you shall reap as you sow. If you invest as little as possible you can expect to reap plenty of conflicts, chaos and bad eating habits.
Today's parents should not expect that neither governments nor employers ensure that they are given time to love, sleep, eat and play. This is your responsibility and without it the family will lose much of its purpose.
